Scratch a day for depression

I spent most of the day wandering around feeling miserable. Then I took a nap, and I still feel depressed. I regret things that I did in the past, but now I'm building up an understanding of the sort of environment that I need to thrive and how that differs drastically from what I have now.
However, I still feel confident that I'm doing the best that I can to change the situation.

43 days down. I feel so depressed right now. It's like I'm not really living life but rather just watching it go by. I can hardly imagine doing this for the next year, though I think I might have to hold out another two or three. Though I could just as easily find myself going through decades waking up every morning to set out to do something I don't really want to spend my time doing and spending my free time making sure that I can continue the cycle. Living should really be more than perpetuating existence.
Right now, I just want to curl up in bed without the prospect of having to face tomorrow.

Challenging norms

I sit here looking at my dresser with three drawers poking out just a bit wondering what is the point of that thing. I haven't opened the drawers in so long. Depression makes you not want to do things and putting laundry away is one of thing I've been slow at. After simply having had laundry in a big basket for so long I question why I spend time putting it in a dresser or if I would even have one if there wasn't already one here. Am I just afraid to question the norms I grew up in? Having a basket of mixed clothing seems to work well for me. I can tell at a glance what I have to work with and it's easy to spot a few neat combinations. Downside being that it is wrinkled but that's nothing that's bothered me before.

Life so dull

Four days off, and it really brings light how bare my life has become. I hardly know what to do, spend a lot of time sitting around wishing that I were still tired so that I could at least sleep through the dullness. Instead, I find myself sitting here wondering how far I should go to try to be happy. It's often used more as an excuse to just let go. Living fast and loose is often a very destructive process. I'm afraid some day I'll wish I didn't take so much time now or cross some point of no return.
Also, one of my worst limitations right now is that I seem reluctant to establish connections and go out and do things. Should probably do something about that.

More Questions than Answers

This week I find myself asking a lot of questions. One of them being why I suddenly and mysteriously have more energy than I used to. Unexplained sudden change worries me. It's a good thing that I feel more awake now, but what is causing it?
Also regarding my health, there's another spot on my back that I have no idea about. Part of me worries that it might be something serious. My dad started getting all sorts of spots when his schleroderma flared up. There's also the positive ana, and cold extremities.
I'm also starting to get a grasp of just how destructive a search for personal happiness can be. I'm sure there are many drug addicts that started off because they simply wanted to be happy and that was the quickest way. Bad things happen when we ignore consequences. I'm making a lot of big decisions and while I can recognize that there are no right answers here, there certainly are a lot of bad answers.
Later on though, I was reminded of Terry Fox. He had something that he felt would make him happy and it turned out to be something beautiful. Of course, one could also argue that he was in a position where there really weren't any more long term consequences to his life so he could do anything without regret.
I'm also reminded that most people say that you regret the things you didn't do more than the things you did. Anyway, I wonder what I could do better right now as I'm sure many of us do.

Another month down

Finally got to the end of the month. I'll guess about 30 to 40 to go. I'm not about to start guessing. A brief summary about the month:
Gross pay: 2873.92
Deductions: 585.22
Net pay: 2288.70
Spending: 91.45
Sales tax: 0.85
Loan payments: 225.91
Savings this month: 1970.49
Total taxes paid: 560.49
% of gross pay going to taxes: 19.5%
% of income going towards loan payments: 7.86% gross, 9.87% net
% of income going towards savings: 68.56% gross, 86.10% net
days worked: 16
Maybe I should do a pie graph next time. My living expenses are artificially depressed, that's just the way my life is right now. I still need to go out and get a bus pass but as of right now that's how this month falls. That changes my spending figures quite a bit, it doesn't change that I'm saving fairly substantial amounts of my net income. Anyway, wow I pay a lot of taxes. I knew it was big, but it's different when it's staring me in the face. My marginal tax rate is roughly 30% last I checked, though I always thought that basic exemptions made more of an impact. Student loan payments are very low and manageable, I am not loosing any sleep over them.
Well, big thing in my life right now, I'm bitter, depressed and angry. Goal for February is to find a new property manager for the shopping plaza. I don't have a personal goal. The search for personal happiness is probably one of the most destructive things that one can take up. It feels like something I need to do though. I'm not sure what I'll find, but I'm not sure I can really move on without it.

I'm way too hung up on the sheer amount of time I've lost in my life now. Makes me feel depressed. The past several times I've opened up to my family about the way I feel, I've been mocked and had my desires completely misconstrued that I don't think I'll tell them. The risks really feel like they outweigh the reward right now.

Withdrawn

I find myself sitting around late at night and I know that I've done this before.  Trying to avoid people.  I also had another revelation, I have questioned my mental state for too many years and spend way too much time thinking about my mind.

Can't Sleep

I’ll let the posting time show how late I’m up. Just way too aggravated to sleep right now. The short version is that I’m worked up over what I want to say to my brother the next time he calls. I’m not convinced that he’s willing to drop the issue of me not wanting to go back to school next year. I’d love to do that, but there’s just no way of making it happen. Anyway, I’ve made my choice and I expect it to be respected. I can’t continue to collaborate with someone that I feel will keep questioning my judgement and repeatedly attempt to force a decision on to me.

Stressed

There's nothing bothering me right now. I'm calm. There's nothing on my immediate horizon. Yet I feel stressed. I don't want to go to sleep, even though I really should. I'd like to know why. Maybe I just don't want to face tomorrow. It's something I hope to fix, but I don't know how to go about it. I think it's depression related though.

Depressed again

It's times like this that I wonder why I'm doing all this. When it starts getting rough, I start questioning things even more. I can't help feeling like I'm hiding from something or that I'm in denial right now. Nothing seems to feel right. I don't know why I'm still there besides the logic of the situation making sense. Anyway, feeling drained and seems like I didn't really miss out on much in the markets. Gone from good deals to wild again in one day. Hard to make decisions with swings like that.

Taking things surprisingly well

Ok, I have this big stuffed animal, about two and a half feet, and I tried to wash it, didn't dry it quick enough. Washed it again, again wasn't dry quick enough and now on top of that it's burnt too. I'm surprised I haven't gotten into a mad rage yet. I've had that thing for well over a decade now. Very attached to it.

Terrified

What am I scared of? Well, the TSX is at a four year low, but that's not what I'm concerned about. I'm worried about myself. I've been depressed so long and it really has me worried that I'm not behaving rationally, or that I'll suddenly snap and do something irrational one day. Part of me feels like I'm playing with a delicate balance right now and having confidence in being able to handle it is usually a warning that things are not right.
Anyway, I decided that I'd treat myself to try to cheer me up. Thought of going out for a burger but during the several hours I spent thinking about it, I realized that for the price of a burger, fries and a drink I could get 2-3lbs of drumsticks. So, gonna cook some drumsticks and have some fun on Friday. If only I could decide how to cook them.

Old Emotions Coming Back

Now that I'm off the St John's Wort, I'm feeling a lot more anger and resentment lately. The same issues over again. It's no way to live, though now I'm in control. Drugging myself so that I can put up with people I can just leave behind feels kind of stupid to me.

Sheep, everyone, everywhere, sheep

Today, I can't help wondering if it's in our nature to view the bulk of the population as a herd of uneducated ignorant sheep. People seem to follow the same trends and hold the same views based on the same biased set of facts that they don't bother to truly learn about. For the most part, many of us live our lives going through the same cycle day by day, week by week. Many of us long for change or improvement. Few of us ever achieve much success at changing things. For the most part, we don't know how or we can't seem to bring ourselves to do it. Many of us just go on hoping that somehow through some wise shepherd we'll wind up where we want to be. As much as I want to be different, it's still too early for me to really feel confident that things will work. When its done, I'll now.

Time to face the music

Yesterday I was told that my parents had one of those end of life discussions with the doctor. This is the situation now, his kidneys aren't improving and there's a lot of dead and damaged heart tissue. Pulling out all the stops to keep him alive might not be the best idea anymore. He's going to be very frail and it's just time to make one of those quality of life decisions. I'm told that the next time something happens, they'll probably be able to save him, but the chance that his life will be nothing more than being hooked up to life support. Ultimately, it's his decision ot make and I suppose our role right now is to just let him know that we're ok with his decision, whatever that may be.
From what I figure, in all likelihood he'll be able to breath on his own in a week or so, hopefully. There's a question of what to do if he can't. I'm hoping that we won't need to address that.
The jist of it is this. It isn't about getting better anymore, it's about getting enough time to make peace with the world. I hope that includes passing down a few kind words.
From what my brother tells me, his girlfriend's grandmother was in a pretty bad spot too and the prevailing estimate was a few months, but she hung in there for a good 25+ years. So maybe.
One of his co-workers talked to us about how this wasn't fair. He worked so hard all his life and never got to enjoy retirement. He kept talking about going on a cruise around europe one day and never got around to it. When I've got my balance sheet squared off, I think I'll try to get a few things off my wish list before trying to be a contributing member of society again. For a while now, I've been thinking of going on a sailing trip to clear my mind and just give me the time I need to hopefully fix a few mental wounds. His thing was europe, as for me, I want to see both polar ice caps. I don't know why. People were bold enough to brave the poles with wooden ships and iron men, I hope I can do the same. I guess I need some adventure and a real sense of accomplishment. Then when I'm done, maybe I'll drop by Poland and tell everyone that I saw a lot of poles. Not sure how many side stops I want to make.
Oh and today is day four, tomorrow is day five.

Still Upset

This happened back on July 1st, my brother called and asked me about my plans. It basically killed one and a half days right away. Then I stayed kind of obsessing over it. I know it's irrational, but being able to stop isn't easy. Changing thinking patterns is probably harder than quitting smoking.
He says that we need to reduce the amount of secrecy in our family. I don't know how to say that we simply don't trust each other. Working hard ten to twelve hours a day and being scolded for doing nothing is incredibly stressful and annoying. I can't see how they couldn't understand that.

Spoiled Day Off

I had a day off and all I wanted was to rest and reflect upon the question of who I wanted to impress and what sort of people I wanted to surround myself with. Though my brother called and asked me about my plans. It ruined my day.
He keeps giving me suggestions for "temporary" things I could do while I look for something better, however the things he suggests take several years of training. Last time I told him about something I was contemplating, optometry, he told me that I was wrong about the entry requirements and that I need to actually research things. So we repeated my search while I was there and found the information that I had presented him. There was also a time when a staffing firm called bowen came to town. He told me that Boeing was starting something here and that I should apply. His advice has been a lot of miss information and diverting my efforts into repeating things and attempting to convince everyone else that the information I had found was correct. It really pisses me off when my family tries to bring that up. If they didn't waste my time and drive me nuts, I very well might be engineering right now but since I was essentially dysfunctional for several months we'll never know.
I'm probably coming off as being a bit extreme in blaming them, but for several months I wasn't able to sleep, was feeling dizzy all the time, couldn't think straight. Then after people started leaving me alone, I slowly started getting better almost as mysteriously as it began. I'm convinced its stress related. Specially since they still cause an extraordinary level of stress in me.

My Situation is Different

I just woke up from a rather insulting dream. I was at a party with an old friend and everyone there had important sounding jobs. It felt like they were rubbing it in that I wasn't important. When I woke up, I figured out why very quickly. I left an audio book playing full of stories about people who let their parents sabotage their life.
I hope I'm not just in denial, but my situation is different. I'm independent and strong. What makes me different is that I'm just here because it lets me build up wealth quicker. Maybe it'll be easier to illustrate this once I get back to my regular accounting by the end of the month, which is creeping up quickly. I am indeed building up wealth. At this point, I'll estimate that I'm saving roughly 75% of my after tax income. Now to prove that
Anyway, I've decided that their opinion doesn't matter to me, which is why I quit talking to them about my future. That's going to be harder to pull off than just making a decision. I can also appreciate what I'm capable of, I just don't have much of an idea of what I want to do at this point.
My dad says that I'm completely insane for considering become a doctor. Not going to let that dictate what my options are. At the same time, I'm not going to let myself gravitate towards that simply to prove him wrong. Getting an MD shouldn't be an academic exercise, specially with the healthcare needs today, I shouldn't be displacing someone else's spot if I'm not going to be in for the long haul. That should be a long rant for another post, not a side discussion in this one.
Separating what I want from the general conflict between me and my parents is going to be a tough challenge. I'm trying to make a decision based off emotional appeal, but eventually, making a list and scoring options based off whatever criteria I decide will be important to me might be my best option. It doesn't feel right making a decision of this type using that method.
I'm not sure whether or not I've calmed down or gotten even more worked up after writing this. One day things are going to change. For now though it seems to be in my best interest to maintain the status quo. I need money to invest in my future. I've also managed to increase my income a bit. The past two weeks my employer has asked me to do some overtime. Absolutely huge list of securities I want to get. Then again, with share prices typically ranging from roughly $20-$70 or so, three or four becomes a rather prohibitive list for acquisition.

Feeling petty

My dad clipped a job ad from the paper for me and I didn't take it well. Personally, I don't trust them enough to discuss that sort of stuff with them and I feel that it was a very unwelcome intrusion. Tried to sleep it off, still feeling a little out of it now. Took up hiding in my room and not talking to people. I know there's no reason to be bitter about it. Though somehow, I feel that they should know by now that I do not feel comfortable discussing my future with them. Slept most of the day away, then went out when everyone started coming home.
Does odd behavior become more acceptable when you're willing to admit that you're being irrational and petty? Or maybe the story here isn't that my depression is worse than I'd like to admit but rather that I simply hate my parents.